Introduction: Setting the Tone for a “Good Divorce”
Good Divorce Week is an annual initiative from Resolution designed to highlight that separation and divorce don’t have to be destructive experiences. With the right approach, it should be possible to divorce in a way that preserves dignity, fairness, and mutual respect.
For many couples, how the topic of divorce is first raised sets the tone for everything that follows. A calm, honest conversation can open the door to a constructive process, while a heated or defensive start can make cooperation difficult and increase the risk of contested court proceedings.
In England and Wales, the courts now actively encourage couples to resolve issues outside of court through Non-Court Dispute Resolution (NCDR). This is a collective term for approaches like mediation, collaborative law, arbitration, and early neutral evaluation. These processes are designed to keep communication open, minimise hostility, and focus on solutions rather than blame.
The way you approach this first conversation can significantly affect not only the emotional wellbeing of everyone involved, but also the fairness, cost, and efficiency of your separation.
Understanding the Legal Framework: Divorce and NCDR in England & Wales
The Move to No-Fault Divorce
Before 2022, divorcing couples in England and Wales were required to assign blame for the breakdown of the marriage, typically citing “unreasonable behaviour”, adultery, or desertion, unless they had been separated for at least two years. This often created unnecessary conflict at the very start of the process.
Since 6 April 2022, the law has changed. Couples can now apply for divorce either individually or jointly, without assigning fault or blame. The only ground for divorce is that the marriage has “irretrievably broken down”.
This change is significant:
- It removes the need for blame or justification.
- It allows for joint applications, reflecting a shared decision to separate.
- It promotes a more respectful, forward-looking approach – fully consistent with the principles of NCDR.
We considered the impact of this change in more detail in an article, titled “No fault divorce – working on the sequel”.
What is NCDR?
Non-Court Dispute Resolution refers to a group of processes that allow separating couples to make decisions about their finances, property, and children without going to court.
Each option offers a different level of structure and formality, allowing couples to choose what best fits their circumstances, these options were explored in more detail in a previous blog.
Obligation to engage in NCDR
The court rules place a clear expectation on separating couples to consider NCDR at every stage of proceedings. If they do not, there may be cost consequences.
NCDR is also built into the process. Before most family court applications can be issued individuals must demonstrate that they have attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM). This is a confidential meeting with a mediator to learn about the available non-court options and assess whether mediation or another form of NCDR might be suitable.
Exemptions apply – for example, in cases involving domestic abuse, safeguarding concerns, or urgency – but the emphasis is clear: court should be a last resort, not the first step.
Setting the Tone – initial conversations and practical steps
- Seek early legal advice. Consulting a family solicitor at an early stage should provide clarity about your rights, responsibilities, and the available legal pathways – including joint applications and the suitability of different NCDR options. A solicitor should help you understand what to expect at each stage and how to approach discussions.
- Clarify your priorities. Identify what truly matters to you; whether that is the children’s stability, emotional wellbeing, financial security, receiving a ‘fair share’, privacy, or efficiency. Having clear goals should help you stay calm and focused during discussions. This can also inform the strategy and approach of your solicitor.
- Choose the right moment and setting. Find a calm, private time to talk without interruptions or children present. Avoid times of stress, celebration, or conflict.
- Understand the process. Be familiar with the structure of the new divorce process – such as the 20-week reflection period, the option for joint or sole applications, and how financial or child arrangements can be resolved through NCDR. Being able to explain these basics should demonstrate a considered and clear approach, which is reassuring.
- Be clear but kind. Avoid vague statements such as “I’m not happy” or “things aren’t working” if you’ve already decided to divorce. Instead, use calm, direct language. Understanding the process and your priorities should help.
- Avoid threats or blame
- Allow your partner some space, without losing momentum. This can be a delicate balance. Understanding the process and likely timelines should help to pace matters in a fair way, while staying on track.
Introducing NCDR as a Positive Step
Introducing NCDR as a practical and empowering alternative to court can help both parties feel in control.
You might explain that NCDR is:
- Usually faster and more affordable than court litigation.
- Conducted in private, protecting family confidentiality.
- Designed to reduce hostility and support co-parenting relationships.
It is also worth emphasising that NCDR does not mean giving up legal protection. Each person can and should take independent legal advice at relevant stages of the process.
NCDR – Maintaining Cooperation
A respectful beginning should be followed by careful communication as the process continues:
- Keep interactions factual and polite. Use neutral, concise written communication when necessary and avoid emotional exchanges. Assume every exchange could later be read by a solicitor or mediator.
- Involve professionals early. Mediators, collaborative solicitors, financial advisers, and family therapists can help navigate difficult discussions and keep focus on constructive outcomes.
- Be open and transparent. Financial honesty isn’t optional – it’s a legal requirement in any settlement process. Concealing assets or withholding documents will only delay progress and damage trust risking future court action.
By continuing to act with integrity, you not only protect your legal position but also make the entire process smoother for everyone involved which can have the added benefit of keeping costs down.
Court and Non-Court processes – can a hybrid be used?
Yes. It is not uncommon for parties to be engaged in a hybrid process whereby they participate in NCDR in parallel with court proceedings. The type of hybrid which should apply will depend on the NCDR process which has been agreed and also on the issues between the parties. Even with the best intentions, discussions are not always successful and some problems or issues can’t be resolved by agreement. When agreeing to engage in NCDR it is therefore vital to understand what happens next, and to have a clear plan.
Legal Advice – Getting It Right
Your solicitor plays a crucial role in guiding you through the process and in helping you to make and to understand a plan of action. Solicitors do not work in extremes, either fighting aggressively or simply processing paperwork. Your solicitor should guide you through the process ensuring that your decisions are informed, strategic, and right for your circumstances.
Taking a cooperative approach does not mean compromising your position or settling for less than you’re entitled to. It means handling matters with both the legal and emotional context in mind. A well-handled separation can protect your long-term interests, preserve assets, minimise unnecessary conflict, and create a foundation for future cooperation which is especially important where children are involved.
NCDR is not appropriate in every case and your solicitor should also be able to provide an informed and considered view about whether it is appropriate for your particular circumstances.
Conclusion
Divorce is undeniably difficult, but it doesn’t have to be destructive. With compassion, mutual respect, and the right professional guidance, it’s possible to achieve a “good divorce” – one that focuses on fairness, emotional wellbeing, and practical solutions rather than conflict.
The way you begin, how you communicate your decision and the choices you make about process, can shape the entire journey. By taking advice early, approaching the discussion calmly, and exploring NCDR options, you give both yourself and your former partner the best possible chance of reaching a fair, balanced outcome without unnecessary stress or expense.
A “good divorce” under English law isn’t a contradiction in terms – it’s an achievable goal, and the modern family justice system is designed to help you reach it.
What next?
If you are considering separation or would like to understand more about your options under the no-fault divorce system, our experienced team can help. We provide clear, compassionate advice and will guide you through every stage – whether through mediation, collaborative law, or, where necessary, court proceedings.
For an initial FREE consultation on this or any aspect of family law, call Manders Law on 01245 895 105 or email us here.
Note: this blog is intended to give an overview (rather than comprehensive guidance and advice) on your legal or financial position and is provided for information only. It is not an endorsement of any product or service provider.